20 minutes ago, I finished the homework and now it’s almost midnight. Last week was quite miserable, especially on Friday, although I know it’s good to experience something I have not experienced to make my skin a little bit thicker. I had to pay the price for the failure of the presentation on Friday, so I spent my whole weekend doing the modification and homework. The over self-confidence definitely did not work out in front of my advisor since I did not understand the detailed principles of the instrument that I was introducing. 2 hours presentation was the longest on my record and it was the worst at the same time. I was told that I should not be discouraged and I should keep on doing what I am doing. Working 24/7 might be the life of a PhD student whose working hours are irrelevant to either holidays or weekends. It’s all about interest which determines success or failure. At least it applies on me.

I am sure next week is going to be better, as I am not giving up my hope somehow. Of course, technically, it’s supposed to be better as there are many things I am expecting. Sometimes I still cannot believe I am here and I feel I am not completely adjusted to this dramatic change of space. It’s been hard lately, and a trivial touching feeling sometimes could trigger the tears in my eyes, but I still have faith underneath and I am loving what I am doing-that’s what matters after all.

Michael used to tell me that I was immature, although I did not agree with him. After all these days I gradually started to realize that I am heading to the right direction where I would consider myself as a better human being. I thought people were all more mature than I was, but it’s barely the case when I came here to face some younger peers. Some of the things they do are really selfish and immature I have to admit, unfortunately. But I am not angry; I am just disappointed somehow. I don’t understand why it would be such a big deal to give someone a ride when it’s convenient, nor do I understand what the heck is wrong with cooking food for others. I did what I think is right and I conceive of those deeds as purely kindness, whereas what I got in return were purely unbelievable and disappointing. I have put too much expectation on something where I shouldn’t have. Or maybe they are just being selfish and inconsiderate, because they need to grow up to realize who they are. At any rate, maybe it’s because of the pressure that everybody is suffering that they forget to care about others. I am proud to see that everything is made in China, while they consider it to be total disappointment because they don’t think they belong to China any more. It’s a complicated issue here and I am sure as time goes by, I could have a better view of everything I am facing right now. Perhaps, it’s just as simple as having a haircut. Speaking of which, I think I do look bad without cutting my hair for more than two months!

The daylight saving time ends this morning when I woke up and now it looks like I have one hour more, since I could have gotten up at 10am instead of 9am. I like getting one hour younger. China used to do the same thing 20 years ago, but then it just stopped. I guess they don’t really care about the daylight saving time that much when China only has one time zone. “Why should we make it so complicated while people from all over the country all have Beijing time anyway?” I agree with it too. But setting one hour back automatically does make you feel you have like one hour more when you wake up in the morning. Of course, when this standard time ends, the one hour has to be paid back and that must not feel good I suppose. Some say this is purely for energy conservation, but I consider this to be ironic as the fact that everybody has to have a car to do daily things does not seem like energy conservation to me. Maybe they are just trying to waste less.

Friday lab Halloween party was supposed to be fun, for I wanted to get to know each one of those people from other 3 labs. And Michael did a good job by organizing the party. Of course I am sure what everybody loved most was that ice box full of 100 bottles of beers. Unfortunately, I was distracted by some lab work while I was playing Horn Whole with others and I ended up sitting in front of the computer for 4 hours when I walked out of the room only to find empty garbage bins. I did not feel good about it and I wished I could be like one of our lab members who had 7 bottles of beers and talked crazy things around everybody. Anyway maybe I was the one to blame. I shouldn’t have told Aaron that laser cutting job does not have to be finished by Friday. I did not manage well, I have to admit. Maybe I’ll just have to wait for next year’s Halloween Party when we are not the hosts. It sounds sad and everything mainly because my Saturday was not getting better as I only ended up playing cards at my friend’s house-everybody in the room wanted to get out but nobody has a car. The good thing is at least I did not spend the Halloween night all by myself.

As I get to the point where there are lots of things that cannot be determined by me, one side of me is getting concerned that I may not be able to have time to go to Las Vegas for Christmas, the other side of me is like I should work hard to make the best student and it doesn’t feel bad at all. Although I expected this before I came here and I made up my mind no matter how hard it gets I shall get through, when the time comes, I really wish it’s not today but tomorrow. I know I have to face it anyway if I want this. Life is harder for foreigners in this country and I can feel the bias and inequality sometimes no matter how trivial they seemingly are although I am sure people are trying to avoid this. But I guess they are just like some kind of facts that are inevitable.

I hope next week would be a little different and I still have the faith that I can hold on no matter what.

It’s said no shaving before the important day can bring luck, so I did not shave today, thinking I could be lucky. But it turned out it was just superstitious to believe in something that does not make sense. Was it karma? I don’t think so, because I did not take my study for granted. Now that I know what brings me here, studying is surely my first priority. Well, let’s trace back to last week then. Last Monday I knew Michael got a fever on the weekend before, and then I found lots of people coughing in the classroom. I started to cough and feel dizzy on Thursday when I began to take pills and capsules. I felt terrible on Saturday and I thought I could barely make it for Monday tests. So I slept a lot without stepping outside the room on the weekend. Of course, I “suppose” I had spent enough time to review the courses for the tests. When I felt better on Sunday afternoon, time was running short when I did not have time to cover what is important in the handouts. Assumably, I had this false impression that I deserve to do well in the tests, although I kind of struggled in the first two times of homework, stunned by those who I thought to be dumb and slow. Yet, this delusions of grandeur made me dumb and slow this time when I realized it was too late to change anything at 12:30pm when everybody was finishing the test. The result might not be something I could be proud of and I should be prepared. So if a proportion of the failure contribution factors has to be made, I’d say a contribution of 1% of getting a cold plus 99% of personal stupidity. Although it’s too early to say it’s a failure, the test in the morning really caught me off guard and it ruined my day. No matter how well I think I did in the math test later today, I was just trying to figure out what went wrong to put myself in such an awkward position. The good thing is it’s not too late to put down my self-esteem a little bit and start from the scratch. Maybe this test was just a wake up call. Studying here does not really give me any advantages that I thought I could have since apparently language is unfortunately turning to a disadvantage for me, quite frankly speaking. Those kids in class are here for their PhD or master’s degrees, and that can already make them stand out from their peers who might either dropped out or found jobs. They are really smart, if not smarter. The language advantage does put them in a favorable position so they don’t have to guess what the hell “solder bead” means to find governing equations to solve the problem. Or maybe even now, I am still trying to find excuses for myself; or if I put it in a nicer way: I am not giving myself a hard time. Whatever it is, life is going to be as hard as I expected, if not harder. I hope I am ready for it.

It’s getting cold in the past one week and we are going to have the midterm exam in a week. It’s fast and I miss the summer when I did not have the chance to really enjoy my last moment with Shanghai. Now that heating is on, I don’t need to worry too much about the winter clothes. It’s still dusty here-my table is full of dust in one week. Thinking about that Shanghai is said to be full of dirt and dust, I don’t really know where it comes from. Sometimes stereotypes are just silly and unfair. But unfortunately no matter how unbiased you think you are, prejudice and bias are always there somewhere. I am getting the vacuum for the carpet and furniture…

Walking alone on the road in the morning while listening to the latest singles is always something I am fond of most in the morning-it’s quiet and relaxing. The fast pace and stressful tempo are missed here, not like Shanghai where getting on the subway in the morning is always the nightmare I could imagine. I set the reasonable schedule which I thought I would definitely follow, since it’s the same for me, yet I really had issues with it. I don’t know what the difference between working and studying is, but I just cannot get up at 7:30am in the morning. It’s strange.

As the temperature is climbing up a little bit this week, I guess the winter might not come yet…