Well, I have to admit the things I am dealing right now are more complicated than I thought. I totally underestimated how hard it can be to be at the position where I am right now. I need to make decisions all the time, and that's the hardest part. Avoiding difficulties definitely put me in an vulnerable situation, and I think it's time for me to gradually throw away this inferiority complex and embrace whatever comes my way, since I don't think I am less qualified than others when it comes to critical thinking. I have the right instinct as others, and I just hesitate to make a quick decision.

Working does have pressure, and I am feeling it right now. It's going to be good for me, and I have been told by others many times. How good will this pressure be? I have doubts. I am, again, at a low point of my life now, and I hope to get out of this weird circle as fast as possible. No help could be provided here, and I need to figure it out all by myself. I used to try hard looking for my comfort zone, but once I got there, I found there are more awaiting ahead. The messy becomes messier to some extent. There are people trying to bring you down some day, and there are things getting in your ways some day. But it's we who can let ourselves down every day. Sometimes, the-don't-give-a-damn kind of attitude can help with this too sensitive feelings-who cares about what others think about you. As long as you are making the right choice and doing the job right, then you score. Making friends at the work place is not the priority after all. Being tough and the pain in the ass are something I could do, but I have been trying to get things done the way I want in a kind manner. It seems to me I need to bring that evil bitch back sometimes. It won't hurt to be a little more assertive instead of being quiet and presumptuous after all. Everybody knows that I am an RCG, and that would be the best pretext if something goes wrong in the end. Also it would be the best opportunity to learn new things. I am humbled at this point, and I believe that's where all the modest feelings come from. I need one second to think how things can be done while not giving a thing about others. It is good that I have this environment to chasten myself, but it's always a double-edged sword. What I might be eventually is yet unclear, I have to say. It's complicated.

Well, I am amazed that how efficient I can be sometimes, and with my Giant bicycle lost, I bought a second hand bicycle in 24 hours. I think one of the main reasons was because graduate students are currently graduating from school, so they are finding ways to get rid of their bikes. It's the perfect time to buy second hand bikes, since after this period it would be pretty hard to find one. Well, I am still a little angry that my bicycle was stolen, but I am glad that I don't need to take the crowded stinky bus to go to work every morning. Plus I won't be devastated if I lose this bicycle again, which I hope not. It's 50RMB for the bike, while I spent another 50RMB updating it and buying a new chain lock. So it's comfortable now.

It's sunny today, but it's not warm in the morning. I am sure it's going to be warm later. I hope so.

I got this bicycle from MP, and it's been over 2 years. It's not brand new, but I quite like it. It got problems, but I was always glad to repair it. Every time I got back home, I left my bicycle downstairs in the shelter right beside the guards, because I was told it's quite safe in the community. There were issues with the this and that from time to time in the community, but never did I thought I might lose anything until this morning when I found my bicycle was gone. I reported it to the security guard, but I guess the chance of finding it is quite slim. Sigh...I need the bicycle for work, and I might as well think of another way of getting to work each morning. No wonder my roommate carries his big bicycle into the house every day. Now I think I should do that as well if I get a new one. I am quite pissed off and disappointed that I lost my cellphone in the KFC near the house 5 months ago, and that I just lost my bicycle again, needless to say another bicycle I lost 2 years ago at the subway station here. Minhang IS NOT A SAFE PLACE, and I hate it. Actually, I am not the only one who loses things here. 35 classmates out of 40 in our class lost bicycles nearby when I was in school, and more than half lady colleagues I know in my company lost cellphones in Shanghai. It's crazy. In ancient times, thieves could be sentenced to death. It's not going to happen here now, but thieves are extremely annoying and irritating. We lose things, but we cannot do anything to prevent it from happening again next time. We are quite helpless at this point, and I think those thieves and uncivilized savages should vanish, period.

Another thing is we don't have the bars on the windows to protect our belongings from being stolen, yet both downstairs and upstairs have installed those window bars, leaving my window quite vulnerable. I don't want to live in this apartment any longer than July, because I am really concerned about the safety. I just hope I will be safe till then.

"I smell spring." Ever since the sun came up last weekend, I have been telling myself this when I breathed in the fresh air. I love this smell, because it means hope. My friends don't understand what I am talking about, and they think I don't know how to express myself. Started on Sunday, I am addicted to the movie theatre and the DQ before the movie each time. Though the movies were not the point, the laughter and one moment of forgetting everything were what I have missed. I set my plan of jogging and having a "Dead Sea Mud" mask before bed every night, but it seems to me I don't really need them each night to kill the time-I got friends! Definitely, I will stick to the healthy life style, but hanging out with friends is quite healthy as well. Happiness is not given by others, because it's created by ourselves.

Me & Burgers

I started jogging this week, but I did not jog after Wednesday, because it's weirdly getting colder, and I don't want to get sick. I think this jogging is definitely working, since my legs and back are sore afterwards. I began to concentrate on how to take good care of myself, so that I will forget things that annoyed me. Working is ramping up pretty well too, and I feel that I am finally back on track. The long lost confidence is finally back on after I was pushed by others. Being more aggressive-that's the different attitude I was trying to hold back. It seems I don't need to try to be mediocre to keep a low profile, which is not necessarily needed here. Although there might be a big decision to make soon, I hope I can think well enough before I act. It's coming, and I cannot avoid it. The characteristic of hesitation from Libra is not helping here.

I thought I could grab some of my friends to visit Sanmen this weekend, so that my pain and agony can vanish easier, but I realized it's not easy to gather a gang to go with me. They all have different reasons not to go, and it turned out I am the only one who wants to go in the end. Thinking about my busy schedule on Friday, which means I cannot leave work early, I have to admit the plan is basically screwed. Maybe there will be another time, and Tiger must be angry that he has prepared everything for our visiting. He is our friend, and hopefully he can understand. I feel grateful that I have friends standing by me when I need them, and I got MP who can talk with me during my hard time. I should let the past go, and embrace what's good in front of me.

I tried to go to Chongming Island 2 years ago, the 3rd biggest island in China, but I could not get the ferry tickets because it was too busy during May Day when people were going home from downtown. But  the ferry tickets are not hard to get this time when it’s still cold early March. We, a 14 people group, went there on a rainy Thursday, and found the weather was just lovely on Friday. We stayed in a farmer’s house. Although the house owner does not quite know how to make her business a little more prosperous and popular, we enjoyed the fresh air and quiet countryside surroundings. The dinner around a big table was nice except the dishes were expensive, since we were expecting food in this countryside should be cheaper. The next morning, I was woken by the hammering noise downstairs, and after I got up, I realized I was not the only one who was annoyed by that. Some parts of the farmer’s house were being re-built! We should have been informed that those villagers go to bed after 9pm every day and getting up quite early to work out loud in the early morning seems to be the only fun they can enjoy. Who cares you sleep until 8am-we need to work! The forest park was nice, and we had BBQ and grass skiing there. It would be an excellent idea to camp in that big forest park during weekends, I suppose, except it takes 3 hours to get there from Minhang.

Baoyang Port
Getting On Board
Dongping Forest Park
BBQ
Grass Skiing
I Ruled On Grass

I am surprised how tolerant I can be sometimes, although I heard forgiving others means forgiving yourself. No matter how bad I was betrayed before, after some time, I can get over the sufferings and I can forgive the person. Not only am I scared by myself, but also I feel ashamed of it. The pain I had does not take its toll on me, but the happiness and intimacy we used to have are well remembered. Goldfish can only remember things for 7 seconds, and the world would be a brand new one for them after 7 seconds. So, technically, I am just like a big goldfish. Although my rationality tells me I should get over the past and live out loud a new life, my irrational side just keeps giving me this impulse to get back to the past. I am concerned about this, and I feel disgraceful. It’s paradoxical.

I hope we can be friends, and that’s my reason. So the permanent painful scar left there can be erased eventually by surrendering to friendships. Or I can assume that my memory is just too good to let go the past, and I am still getting over the pain by this. I am forgiving the people I thought I would hate or ignore for the rest of my life, because I am not strong enough to hold the grudge against them forever. Or maybe I am undergoing the hard time in my life right now, and I am in desperate need of someone to stand by my side to be supportive. I cannot bear the agony all by myself, nor can I have all the happiness alone.

I will be better and I am sure about it, but I just hope the hard time can slip away faster.

It is so cold in the early March, and it’s going along pretty well with my feelings lately. The rain is nonstop and gloomy. I am tired of playing computer games every night after work, but there is nothing much I can do about it, since living outside of town so far makes everything too far to reach. Again, I am left alone, and I need to find something to do. Jogging every night is a great idea, and I’d definitely do it after the rain stops. Also, I start to read at night, so that I can focus on something else to consume the energy I am having after dinner. It’s mostly self-addicted, and I am just thinking of anything I can possibly do.

I have four roomies now, and it’s true I am holding back from them, although one of the girls is quite cordial, who knocked my door several times for chitchat. I acted pretty tough, and I believe they just think I am the arrogant pain-in-the-ass type of person. I am not giving any pretext here, but one thing I could not understand is my colleague roommate told his colleagues that I had business trips every week, staying in 5 star hotels each time, even when the economical environment is terrible right now. Obviously, the way our team “lavishes” money is not appropriate at all, which is totally not true, since he just assumes my absence from the house every time is only due to the trip. Too simple, too naive…LOL…Or maybe he was just trying to pick up some casual conversation with me by asking, “ So you were having the trip again?”  I just don’t appreciate it, because it causes misunderstandings not only between him and I, but also between different work teams. Be smart, dude. As for the girls, I’d love to get to know them better, but after she told me: “we don’t close the door when we sleep at night”, I thought that was just not someone I’d like to know. It’s too partial to jump to the conclusion that they are not good people, but right now, I am really locking myself up in my room, having my own space and time, and I don’t want to change it. I am no good than anyone else, and maybe I can feel better if I change my attitude otherwise, but I am looking for the alternative way out and I am just too tired to get out there and throw parties with them or something.