20 minutes ago, I finished the homework and now it’s almost midnight. Last week was quite miserable, especially on Friday, although I know it’s good to experience something I have not experienced to make my skin a little bit thicker. I had to pay the price for the failure of the presentation on Friday, so I spent my whole weekend doing the modification and homework. The over self-confidence definitely did not work out in front of my advisor since I did not understand the detailed principles of the instrument that I was introducing. 2 hours presentation was the longest on my record and it was the worst at the same time. I was told that I should not be discouraged and I should keep on doing what I am doing. Working 24/7 might be the life of a PhD student whose working hours are irrelevant to either holidays or weekends. It’s all about interest which determines success or failure. At least it applies on me.

I am sure next week is going to be better, as I am not giving up my hope somehow. Of course, technically, it’s supposed to be better as there are many things I am expecting. Sometimes I still cannot believe I am here and I feel I am not completely adjusted to this dramatic change of space. It’s been hard lately, and a trivial touching feeling sometimes could trigger the tears in my eyes, but I still have faith underneath and I am loving what I am doing-that’s what matters after all.

Michael used to tell me that I was immature, although I did not agree with him. After all these days I gradually started to realize that I am heading to the right direction where I would consider myself as a better human being. I thought people were all more mature than I was, but it’s barely the case when I came here to face some younger peers. Some of the things they do are really selfish and immature I have to admit, unfortunately. But I am not angry; I am just disappointed somehow. I don’t understand why it would be such a big deal to give someone a ride when it’s convenient, nor do I understand what the heck is wrong with cooking food for others. I did what I think is right and I conceive of those deeds as purely kindness, whereas what I got in return were purely unbelievable and disappointing. I have put too much expectation on something where I shouldn’t have. Or maybe they are just being selfish and inconsiderate, because they need to grow up to realize who they are. At any rate, maybe it’s because of the pressure that everybody is suffering that they forget to care about others. I am proud to see that everything is made in China, while they consider it to be total disappointment because they don’t think they belong to China any more. It’s a complicated issue here and I am sure as time goes by, I could have a better view of everything I am facing right now. Perhaps, it’s just as simple as having a haircut. Speaking of which, I think I do look bad without cutting my hair for more than two months!

The daylight saving time ends this morning when I woke up and now it looks like I have one hour more, since I could have gotten up at 10am instead of 9am. I like getting one hour younger. China used to do the same thing 20 years ago, but then it just stopped. I guess they don’t really care about the daylight saving time that much when China only has one time zone. “Why should we make it so complicated while people from all over the country all have Beijing time anyway?” I agree with it too. But setting one hour back automatically does make you feel you have like one hour more when you wake up in the morning. Of course, when this standard time ends, the one hour has to be paid back and that must not feel good I suppose. Some say this is purely for energy conservation, but I consider this to be ironic as the fact that everybody has to have a car to do daily things does not seem like energy conservation to me. Maybe they are just trying to waste less.

Friday lab Halloween party was supposed to be fun, for I wanted to get to know each one of those people from other 3 labs. And Michael did a good job by organizing the party. Of course I am sure what everybody loved most was that ice box full of 100 bottles of beers. Unfortunately, I was distracted by some lab work while I was playing Horn Whole with others and I ended up sitting in front of the computer for 4 hours when I walked out of the room only to find empty garbage bins. I did not feel good about it and I wished I could be like one of our lab members who had 7 bottles of beers and talked crazy things around everybody. Anyway maybe I was the one to blame. I shouldn’t have told Aaron that laser cutting job does not have to be finished by Friday. I did not manage well, I have to admit. Maybe I’ll just have to wait for next year’s Halloween Party when we are not the hosts. It sounds sad and everything mainly because my Saturday was not getting better as I only ended up playing cards at my friend’s house-everybody in the room wanted to get out but nobody has a car. The good thing is at least I did not spend the Halloween night all by myself.

As I get to the point where there are lots of things that cannot be determined by me, one side of me is getting concerned that I may not be able to have time to go to Las Vegas for Christmas, the other side of me is like I should work hard to make the best student and it doesn’t feel bad at all. Although I expected this before I came here and I made up my mind no matter how hard it gets I shall get through, when the time comes, I really wish it’s not today but tomorrow. I know I have to face it anyway if I want this. Life is harder for foreigners in this country and I can feel the bias and inequality sometimes no matter how trivial they seemingly are although I am sure people are trying to avoid this. But I guess they are just like some kind of facts that are inevitable.

I hope next week would be a little different and I still have the faith that I can hold on no matter what.

It’s said no shaving before the important day can bring luck, so I did not shave today, thinking I could be lucky. But it turned out it was just superstitious to believe in something that does not make sense. Was it karma? I don’t think so, because I did not take my study for granted. Now that I know what brings me here, studying is surely my first priority. Well, let’s trace back to last week then. Last Monday I knew Michael got a fever on the weekend before, and then I found lots of people coughing in the classroom. I started to cough and feel dizzy on Thursday when I began to take pills and capsules. I felt terrible on Saturday and I thought I could barely make it for Monday tests. So I slept a lot without stepping outside the room on the weekend. Of course, I “suppose” I had spent enough time to review the courses for the tests. When I felt better on Sunday afternoon, time was running short when I did not have time to cover what is important in the handouts. Assumably, I had this false impression that I deserve to do well in the tests, although I kind of struggled in the first two times of homework, stunned by those who I thought to be dumb and slow. Yet, this delusions of grandeur made me dumb and slow this time when I realized it was too late to change anything at 12:30pm when everybody was finishing the test. The result might not be something I could be proud of and I should be prepared. So if a proportion of the failure contribution factors has to be made, I’d say a contribution of 1% of getting a cold plus 99% of personal stupidity. Although it’s too early to say it’s a failure, the test in the morning really caught me off guard and it ruined my day. No matter how well I think I did in the math test later today, I was just trying to figure out what went wrong to put myself in such an awkward position. The good thing is it’s not too late to put down my self-esteem a little bit and start from the scratch. Maybe this test was just a wake up call. Studying here does not really give me any advantages that I thought I could have since apparently language is unfortunately turning to a disadvantage for me, quite frankly speaking. Those kids in class are here for their PhD or master’s degrees, and that can already make them stand out from their peers who might either dropped out or found jobs. They are really smart, if not smarter. The language advantage does put them in a favorable position so they don’t have to guess what the hell “solder bead” means to find governing equations to solve the problem. Or maybe even now, I am still trying to find excuses for myself; or if I put it in a nicer way: I am not giving myself a hard time. Whatever it is, life is going to be as hard as I expected, if not harder. I hope I am ready for it.

It’s getting cold in the past one week and we are going to have the midterm exam in a week. It’s fast and I miss the summer when I did not have the chance to really enjoy my last moment with Shanghai. Now that heating is on, I don’t need to worry too much about the winter clothes. It’s still dusty here-my table is full of dust in one week. Thinking about that Shanghai is said to be full of dirt and dust, I don’t really know where it comes from. Sometimes stereotypes are just silly and unfair. But unfortunately no matter how unbiased you think you are, prejudice and bias are always there somewhere. I am getting the vacuum for the carpet and furniture…

Walking alone on the road in the morning while listening to the latest singles is always something I am fond of most in the morning-it’s quiet and relaxing. The fast pace and stressful tempo are missed here, not like Shanghai where getting on the subway in the morning is always the nightmare I could imagine. I set the reasonable schedule which I thought I would definitely follow, since it’s the same for me, yet I really had issues with it. I don’t know what the difference between working and studying is, but I just cannot get up at 7:30am in the morning. It’s strange.

As the temperature is climbing up a little bit this week, I guess the winter might not come yet…

So I have been working and studying since I knew I am supposed to work in the lab, and I quite appreciate the chance I got here. Others might have the age advantage here, but I know my ways around better than some of them. I know the age advantage is going to play a more important role as time goes by, but it was my choice and I respected it. Once I made my decision, I guess there is no way to turn it back. It sounds crazy but that’s how I got here. After some sort of adjustment and frustration during the past two weeks, things are getting clearer here, and it’s getting in the way in favor of me. The only thing I need to tell myself here is I don’t screw up with the opportunity this time. There are something I know better than others and I think it’s simply because I am older than them. If I stay where I am right now, I am just going to lose what I have. I don’t have time for that any more. So I pretty much think I was kindly granted the second chance to study and work here. It’s been good and amazing since I got here, generally. After I finished my homework at 2am last night, I looked myself in the mirror and smiled. Because the long lost accomplishment kind of feeling was back. Although the outcome might not be so desirable, I was glad I could still indulge myself into either Fourier’s Law and Newton’s Cooling Law or loads of differential equations to get the result I wanted.

Our lab was extending last week, and that was why I couldn’t really sit down and work in the office. As things are settling down, including the nice and warm heating in here, I am quite satisfied with the new lab and everything-I can even bring my lunch here and I can bring my swim trunk as well! One big difference here is it’s getting so cold since last week, and the temperature is going to drop to ice point on Saturday. I cannot imagine this kind of weather if I was in Shanghai. I mean it’s only this cold in December in Shanghai. But it doesn’t really matter, since I wear T-shirts inside the room anyway. For a southerner from China like me, the heating system is something new to me and I like it. I still talk to my mom on the phone or online regularly, and it’s no big difference as my mom told me, since we were like the same when I was in Shanghai as well.

I cried last night when I was watching “Bobby”. I know it sounds weird, but when I saw those innocent people got shot while Kennedy was shot in the kitchen, I just couldn’t hold my tears. For whatever reason, I need some tears, no matter it’s just because of one simple touch of the soul or it’s just because I think life is too hard for any one of us here. I felt better afterwards and I needed that to trigger my inner inspiration and feelings. Being numb and cold is not something I would like to see or anybody would like to see, for that matter. We feel good while we get greeted on the road by people, even if they are strangers. It’s the basic courtesy that is missing in some parts of the world. I miss my childhood in a small town where people were nice to each other and people helped each other. But the thing between people vanished after I moved to a bigger city with my parents, where I highly doubt that pure and genuine thing might be existing now.

There are more thing awaiting me in front and I could have different opinions after that; but all in all, I am happy at this point and I only wish it can last longer, although believing eternity is as the same as being ignorant.

I thought it might be boring without something funny, so I bought an Afro wig from Wal-Mart this morning-I knew it’s going to be fun. Then I got the second chance to go to the Asian market this afternoon, so I had the free ice skating there. As a matter of fact, it’s always free on weekends from 2pm to 4pm, and it was a very sweet discovery. After I told the saleswoman in The Body Shop that it’s my birthday today, she gave me its membership card for free, which is about $8 normally. Although I don’t know if it’s their strategy to attract customers, I am happy with the free membership card after I bought the body lotion there. My roomie cooked chicken for me and he also bought a big cake accidentally before I told him it was my birthday. So we invited our friends over and had a simple but nice meal and a mini birthday party. It was good and I enjoyed it. Actually it was the highlight of the day.

The dawn was breaking and I got up in the morning to buy groceries. I felt kind of ashamed that I wasn’t able to watch the parade on Oct. 1st, thank to the darn slow internet speed that night. I missed one great event, so I promised myself I am not going to miss another one; although things were quite spontaneous. After I successfully got my swim trunk and swimming goggles at Macy’s, I knew I don’t need to worry too much about the fattening food any more-the sports facilities are good. Saturday was busier than I expected. As I gradually recovered from the Friday night Grad Mix Party at Pavilion, the alcohol did not take its toll on me in the afternoon. Going to bed at 2am seems to come back as my long lost habit again, although I know it’s not good at all, especially at this point of my life. So I declined their cordial invitation to the brunch on Sunday, since lab work and working out are my first priority now.

One of the highlights was I got the chance to taste the local Sichuan cuisine on Mid-Autumn Day. The restaurant is so Chinese, and I did not feel exotic at all. It reminded me of the combination of both Chengdu and Shanghai. I told them that I might feel homesick after 2 months when I come back here again. One different thing is since Chinese food as some kind of exotic food to the locals here, the price is normally not cheap. So it’s quite rare here, especially for someone who does not have a car like me. As I indulged myself completely in this western culture here, I begin to doubt how many Chinese traditional traits there exist within my soul. Not yet the time to get anxious or ashamed, but it’s something I need to think about privately.

As a matter of fact, I did not expect to be so busy for the first week here, and I was glad that I don’t need to sit in front of the computer for days. As much as I would love to make myself busy, I sort of start to doubt how long I can last in this kind of condition. I begin to get used to the new environment and I did not really have time to sit down quietly to think too much each day. But I guess when time goes by, the view is getting clearer. Whether I am going to like it or not, I shall see. I have been asked by many if I like this country, but my answer was always ambiguous, since I haven’t known this place well enough to make a decision yet. The first impression was good, yet gradually I find it’s not much different from where I came from. It’s more developed for sure, but it surely has its problems as well. I haven’t started to miss my home yet, but when I was walking back home alone around 7pm with my stomach grumbling, my feeling was quite overwhelming today. Although most of my days here were nice and new, I had some bad days as well. It’s not perfect, and I know it’s not going to be; although I am trying to make everything perfect.

Today is supposed to be remembered as it’s the department orientation day today. We had pizza in the Lindner Hall at 12pm and then the orientation meeting went on until 4pm. One interesting thing I noticed was almost all PhD students in my department are either Chinese or Indian-I could barely see any Americans study for the degrees beyond MS. As I quit my good job and came here for my PhD, I have always hoped I had made a good decision, yet as the excitement and curiosity fade away, I gradually start to ponder where I should fit in here. When I could scarcely see any of my peers younger than me, I am a little concerned, although I have expected this before I came. Yes, it’s different, because I need to fight for what’s good for me instead of sitting there to wait. The first several times when I tried to look for help, I was sort of frustrated by the tight schedules that everybody was having, because they could not stop to just take care of you. You are new here? Good, go and figure out things by yourself and ask questions. Because they don’t feed you stuff like the way I was used to in China. Although I do appreciate the initial help I gained from people in the church, when school really begins, I am kind of worried. Maybe this is called the cultural shock they’ve been emphasizing since our arrival. The way they are dealing things here is different and as my manager used to tell me, being active is really important. It is true that perhaps 2 years later one day when you wake up, you think it’s the day for your graduation while you have been doing nothing and your advisor has no idea where you are, because you are just sitting there and being passive. That kind of methods don’t work here any more.

The first two weeks here are so busy and I have to make a list of things I need to do each day. As I found myself adjust to the new life here quite easily during these days, I am really not sure about the academic life here until new classes begin next week. There are lots of uncertain things so far, and I can only hope for the best and try my hardest.

Well, since I am already almost settled down here, it would be ok to put a new nice pic on for my blog logo for a while. Downtown of Cincinnati reminded me of Shanghai somehow, but people there are nice-since we still got greeted by total strangers on the road. Maybe it’s because it was during daytime when it was relatively safe, or maybe Cincinnati was misunderstood by most people. Anyway my first impression of downtown was awesome-I’ll give it an A.

I guess for any normal people, it’s no fun to move 3 times in one month, but this time I am glad I can finally have a place of my own for a while; so I won’t worry about moving until next year. Although all those packing, assembling and unloading things gave me a headache, I was quite relieved in the end somehow. Also cooking spaghetti is not as hard as I thought-once you put the sauce and noodles in two different pots and all you need is to is to wait. The taste is not much different from that in restaurants in my opinion.

So far there are many things I like here, such as loads of different varieties of food and magazines you can’t buy in China. But the public transportation system here is not something I could get used to for a short period of time-I miss the subway system. That’s why almost everybody here has a car-it’s like the bike in China.

Still, there are many things I need to do for the first month, but I think it’s getting better…

I have to admit I am not familiar with Italian or American food here, but the Caesar Salads I had today were just great and I had them for both lunch and dinner at Dayton. Burgers are bigger and Pasta is nicer here-I don’t know what else to say. Shoes in the malls are generally bigger, and it’s a little harder to find shoes of my size. I was so stuffed today after each meal. I was just wondering if I might get fat after 1 month but when seeing those overweight people walking around on the street, I am kind of released, really.

It’s been interesting so far, although I know new potential challenges are down there somewhere.

The new photo album cover picture has been changed to a road pic. It was shot by Canon D10 at Kuan&Zhai Lane in Chengdu today. I will keep this picture until everything’s been settled in late September.

When I was walking on the road which I used to be so familiar with, I found I am not familiar with the city any more. When friends asked me to recommend a good place to eat, I found I could not think of any. It feels weird to get older, knowing that my cousins have graduated from primary schools. My grandma asked me to print out the picture we took during our family dinner, so that she could keep one copy of her own. I am going to take one copy for myself too, and I will tell my mom how to use Skype. It looks quiet and peaceful, and yet the dramatic changes have been going on and I start to feel them deep inside. It’s the place where I belong and I need time to get to know her a little bit better before it’s too late, although I don’t know when. I saw my cousin sister off today at the airport and I don’t know when the airport starts to be the place I visit most in the city. We live in a 4D world, and when time is up, we all go back to the earth, turning into dusts, like we never come here. Maybe this is the life that I have been searching for since I was aware of myself. I wish the best of the people I know and I care about, but when we are confronted with reality, we are too weak to control anything. Although being sentimental is definitely not part of my agenda this time, I found our textbooks were so true about farewells which always leave melancholy to us. Respect the reality and respect the nature, so we can enjoy what we deserve in this life.

I buy things without thinking too much and now I am having trouble packing. After I have sent loads of things back home, I thought I don’t need to worry about the packing any more, but when I get back I found the case my aunt bought for me is just not big enough to hold even half of my belongings-I am having problems again! I think I really need to learn what to discard and what to keep before I bring everything back home. It’s a complicated job and it gives me headaches.

Xiang called me last night and he told me he’s getting married to Hui in October. They are the perfect match. It’s been a long time since we talked last time. As we get busy each day, friends leave further behind and when we find our special ones in the end we tend to live our own happy lives without caring too much about other old friends. My colleagues used to tell me about this too-this is the general rule probably, though it’s yet to be proven by my own experience. Merril is getting married in October as well, and I feel quite sorry that I won’t be able to attend her wedding. She is one of my best friends in college when we used to hang out in a cafe shop near school every Thursday night. That was the best time in Nanjing...Also Hao has found his other half and their wedding is in September. Yes, it looks everybody is getting married, and this is the inevitable trend even nowadays. I am just happy for all of them.

My packing is still waiting to be finished in the sitting room right now, and I know I have one week to get everything done before I leave. While I pack up my things, I am picking up my memories and putting them away.

I started to like hanging out with my friends, and I am different from who I was 10 years ago when my nature was suppressed. I used to invite kids to my home for parties and I loved them, but ever since my family moved, I changed and I have been looking for the lost me for a long time. I am not sure I am back, but I suppose the better I know myself, the better chance of success I could get. Like now, even when my classmates and I are in Shanghai, we couldn’t see one another for a whole year, and I guess there is not much difference if we are in China or somewhere else, as the internet connects us anyway. Maybe there is not much I could look back right now, but I am sure after years we could really understand why these times can be considered as golden years of our lives. There is only one 26 after all.

I had my first hamsters in the winter of 2007 and since then I started to collect cages and toys for my hamsters. I still remember the first time my hamster had babies and I kept them in the closet so our Ayi couldn’t find them. It has been a long time and they kept me company during my hardest time. I know it’s kind of ridiculous to be emotional for a guy like me but when it is getting to the point where I have to goodbye to them, I do feel reluctant to let go of them. They are just too cute. There were moments when I felt I had too many hamsters but never did I think it’s boring or nonsense to feed them and watch them grow. It’s not going to be forever and I knew it since the beginning but it’s been the time that I can cherish whenever I recall it. I gave my hamsters to my classmates and my friends who I can trust enough, so that my hamsters can enjoy the rest of their lives without worrying about being sold or being eaten by cats. Now it looks as if the only thing waiting ahead is my departure on Sunday, and surviving the agony of separation might quite well be the lesson I have to learn very soon.

Thanks to my classmates’ help, I finally managed to move back to the dorm again after one year living outside campus. It is good to be back to pick up some old memories and get ready for leaving before my official school life starts from September. It’s peaceful here and this is what’s been missing outside. I feel better because I don’t need to worried about the savages who would break in during the day time to “decorate” the apartment-it was too chaotic. Safety is just something you need to strive for instead of something given by the police or whoever. I am not afraid of those people, but it’s not worth it to fight for the justice against people who don’t even know what justice is. Now it’s good and secure to live with my classmate and enjoy the quietness on campus again.

Farewell dinner on Thursday was great, not only because I got the t-shirt with everybody’s signature, but because I felt it was sad to leave the team in the end. 1 year and a half was great in the team as I was trusted enough to be given the opportunities that were admired by many others. It was not easy but I survived and thrived till the moment I have to goodbye. I feel grateful. Classmates were cordial as well and we had a farewell&reunion party yesterday at Terry’s house. I don’t know what I am going to be like after 5 years, but I wish the people and myself all the best.

During the meeting I got the chance to announce my leave and it caught some people off guard as I expected. But it’s good that everybody understands my situation and the biggest rewarding is my manager’s been quite supportive. It means a lot to me, since I always conceive of him as some role model for us. Now the only concern is when I can fly back home to see my family to spend the only possible one week with them this year. I know there are challenges ahead and they require determination and perseverance all the time, and I am assuming it’s going to be maybe the hardest time of my life. I made my choice and I hope it’s worth my sacrifice and my time.

The landlord came yesterday and she is pissed off since she wants us to move out as fast as possible, so that she could have some time for the new decoration or whatever. Of course it’s not going to be the way she likes-she needs to respect the reality, like it or not. I even called the police during the fight, because I thought she was going to threaten our personal safety and property security. Nobody wants to make this into a big deal although I am sure people might be angry about certain things. My roommates told me it’s normal that this kind of things happen especially we signed the contract with a different landlord. It’s just a waste of time and that’s all. Of course, next time I rent an apartment, first things first, I need to know if the landlord is really the owner of the house. That’s the lesson I learned. Since it was my first time to live outside campus, I am not the one to blame and it’s ok to experience it to learn something. So I actually started packing from Friday and I was stunned by the luggage I was going to send back home. It cost me a lot of money to deliver them and I did not expect it at all. I had no idea how come I collected all the stuff and never did I realize I am going to have trouble with it. To top it off, it’s not finished today and I am going to send one more case back home in order to leave here with only one bag and one case, so that I can get on to the plane without aid from others. I honestly hate packing and it’s the last thing I would like to do, but I have no choice. :S

For the next two weeks, I am going to move back to school to live with my classmate, who kindly offered the shelter when I am in need of it. So after one year’s life outside school, I am back to the starting point. It’s interesting. Since it’s still summer and school hasn’t started yet, there are extra beds for my stuff and me, thank god. Time is limited here and I hope to make the best of it, for I don’t even have an idea when I am going to live in Shanghai again. 4 years is just too fast to be notified.